So, you've ended up on a website that has "gentleman" in the name.
Odds are, you want to know what I think about this (or maybe you're just curious about the information available online concerning this topic).
Who Wrote the "Rule Book" on Being a Gentleman, Anyway?
What really matters MOST is what is true.
Because the way to "be" anything depends on what is true or false.
Correct or incorrect.
In other words, there's a RIGHT way to do something just as there is a WRONG way, and in most cases, we all want to avoid doing things the wrong way.
If there were truly NO right or wrong ways of doing things, then nothing would really matter, would it?
We can always agree that it's just "our opinions" at stake here, but in the end, TRUTH still exists, and that truth is directly tied to reality.
The same reality that determines that if I throw a rock into the air unassisted, it will fall, and the same reality that states that we will all one day expire and surely die.
After all, if we want to be "genuine" or "true gentlemen," then there must be a universal standard for doing so. Despite all of our opinions, we just seem to know (deep in our hearts) that there are clear "rights" and "wrongs" in this world.
We know it when we see it.
Let's face it, you want to know how to be a gentleman, and that requires someone to teach you WHAT to do.
But to do so, I owe you an explanation, for WHY I believe the only way to be a true gentleman is by following the best example of a man and gentleman that the world has ever known.
But first...
We're ALL Following Someone...
The only question is WHO?
Who are you going to put your faith and belief in?
A parent or relative?
A guy or a girl on social media?
An accomplished motivational speaker?
A successful entrepreneur?
A great teacher from your classes or from history?
Or maybe some random dude on the internet who writes on his blog?
The truth is, we are all following SOMEONE, whether we realize it or not (even if it turns out to be just ourselves).
So I'll ask you, again...
That inquiry may seem somewhat vague, but I assure you it's an important question that colors and shapes everything we value in the life we lead.
So... What Does It Mean to Be a TRUE Gentleman Then?
Contrary to popular belief, being a true gentleman today isn't just about wearing the right clothes or being polite so that people "like" you.
Don't get me wrong, those things can be important, no doubt, but they aren't what's MOST important.
A gentleman is currently and most often defined as the following:
Okay, that all sounds well and good, but considering how much people promote gentlemanly behavior these days, I think we can do much better than this.
Personally, I'm just NOT satisfied with that brief definition...
Gentle doesn't mean "soft" and certainly not "weak." To be gentle is to showcase strength under control (these two words are very important for men, I think).
Of course, being a male is also required to be a gentleman, and I'll discuss manhood more here in a bit.
On the surface, it might seem like I'm about to overstate this term, but in reality, I'm attempting to carefully prepare for our discussion on WHY men should be chivalrous, courteous, and honorable from the outset.
The first half of what follows for this list of attributes for modern gentlemen will be what I call "First-Bucket" characteristics because they are the most important and foundational traits for gentlemanly behavior.
The second half of the list will serve as (you guessed it) "Second-Bucket" characteristics that are more in line with what you'd expect from an article with a title like this. They're still important, but just not as much as those First-Bucket characteristics.
Is There Such a Thing as the Perfect Gentleman?
When most of us men search the internet or read books on how to be a successful gentleman (or man), we usually do so with a sincere desire to become "the total package."
After all, everyone "loves" a gentleman, right?
That's right, no amount of money, Instagram filtering, or AI wizardry can conceal even the tiniest flaws (both internal and external) in the seemingly perfect tapestry of another person's life.
It's just not humanly possible.
Oh yeah, we're going there.
Remember, we're all following SOMEONE in our lives, even if it's just ourselves.
So let me explain what makes this very real man in history, who lived two thousand years ago, so special and worth following as an example of being a true gentleman in today's world.
On the surface, Jesus is associated with religion, especially Christianity.
But Jesus is the epitome of a gentleman because he was all-powerful, all-knowing, wise, honest, sincere, and loving. Most of all, he was gentle. At every stage of His life, he showcased profound strength under control.
Although Jesus possessed the power to snap his fingers and command submission, he chose not to use it. This man, who was (literally) God in human flesh, defied the typical expectations of what the God of the Universe would be like in human form.
Jesus came to serve others, not to be served, and both His loving politeness and profound gentleness were the first qualities people noticed about Him during their interactions.
So, I don't know about you, but Jesus seems like the gold standard of being both a man and a gentleman if you ask me.
Look, you've probably heard that discussing "politics" or "religion" isn't very gentlemanly because it tends to make people uncomfortable.
But if Jesus is who He claims to be, and truth matters to us, then we must be willing to observe and do the work to find a better way, regardless of what the world around us might say.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? Keep reading.
First-Bucket Characteristics of a True Gentleman
Understand Authority
If men should be chivalrous, courteous, and honorable, then what compels us to do so? By whose authority is our manhood judged and measured?
Like it or not, we all have some form of authority in our lives. Every man must understand that authority matters. Some of you reading this might laugh a bit, but take it from someone who has spent his entire adult life in the military...
There is always someone in charge.
God's hand is "on the wheel" of the universe, and His mystery can't possibly be understood by any of us.
Recognizing authority influences how we behave around others, how we treat them, and how we present ourselves, reflecting our core values.
Every man must decide whom he will follow and emulate in his life, even if it means following multiple figures.
But no other human, no matter how powerful they appear, is invincible. If you disagree, then get ready for a reckoning.
Jesus was and remains the undisputed example and standard of a human being and man during His ministry on earth nearly two thousand years ago, because He was joyfully obedient to His Heavenly Father.
And joyful obedience requires that we submit to the King and Creator of the Universe.
Because God is loving, merciful, gracious, righteous, and holy, the Bible tells us that everything good in this world belongs to God and that He will work through everything—even evil—for ultimate good.
I don't know about YOU, but that sounds pretty worthy of submission to...
We need an authority that commands us to love, forgive, teach, and mentor well, as well as discipline righteously, because that is what truly good authorities do: they provide a framework and offer direction to foster growth and flourishing for individuals and the wounded world around them.
And do you know what the best part about submitting to God's authority is?
It's a choice.
Because LOVE is a choice.
We can walk away from God's love at any moment and choose to go our "own way."
This is why suffering is so prevalent in our world and why things have been broken here on earth for a long time.
So, I'll ask again because I think that the question is worth repeating:
WHO are you going to follow as the authority in your life?
Be a Man After God's Own Heart
A true gentleman must first be a man, and there are standards for manhood.
To be a true man is to align our hearts with the will of the One who created us. To be a man "after God's own heart" is to desire to live life God's way and not our own way.
A real man leads well and with love in his household and community.
A real man is a warrior with a fighting spirit, seeking truth, justice, and wisdom.
A real man is a mentor who has the heart of a teacher and takes pleasure in coaching those around him.
A real man is a friend who connects with others and practices emotional intelligence, seeing the bigger picture while learning and considering the world around him.
A real man is NOT an overbearing tyrant who sits on a self-proclaimed thrown, demanding to be served.
A real man is NOT a harmless fool who can't step up to defend the defenseless or a bully who might misuse his God-given strength to abuse.
A real man is NOT a didactic "know-it-all" who cares more about lording over others than teaching them properly.
A real man is NOT a distant and unengaged presence who fails to form strong, meaningful connections with others.
A real man takes his manhood seriously and leads his charge with love, respect, mercy, tenderness, and warrior strength.
Be Chivalrous
A gentleman takes the lead and cares for others.
When he's out on a date with a woman, a gentleman always offers to pay for her meal, whether it's the first date or the hundredth and first.
I don't care.
A gentleman always pays for a woman that he's courting or dating. I would rarely advise going into debt for anything, but if you need to do so to treat the woman you're with to a meal (within reason), then do so gladly.
After that, go home, create a budget, and become a BETTER steward of your money, because if you can't afford to date a woman, then you're definitely not ready to lead her well in a relationship or marriage.
Of course, being a provider is more than just financial support; it's also about meeting the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of the people under our care as men.
No, we can't fulfill EVERY aspect of someone else's life (even a spouse), but Jesus certainly can, and being the compass that guides others to Christ is what being a true man and provider is all about.
Besides just women, hold doors, offer your seat, help carry items, and provide general assistance to ANYONE. Chivalry isn't limited to women; it also applies to children, the injured, and the elderly. Help your fellow man and woman, period.
To be chivalrous is to have a servant's heart.
Jesus went to great lengths to serve the people He taught and led. While the rest of society pushed marginalized people further into the background, Jesus got to know them, shared meals with them, and loved them, all while speaking truth into their lives in hopes that they would "go and sin no more."
Be Humble & Have Good Character
Genuine humility is difficult to sustain, but it is certainly the mark of a wise gentleman.
To humble oneself is to have a realistic view of oneself.
In the case of a man, humility means recognizing his role in the world and understanding that he is not the center of attention.
Many men attempt to elevate themselves above others, but that isn't how Jesus conducted Himself during His time on earth.
We can't serve others and stay chivalrous if we aren't willing to humble ourselves. And if we don't humble ourselves, life has a way of humbling us whether we like it or not. So it's best to wise up sooner rather than later.
Remaining humble means being mindful of the person we are becoming.
When we wake up each day and make our bed or take the time to return the shopping cart to its proper place in the parking lot, or do any of the "little things" that may seem trivial or like a waste of time, we are gradually building character.
Delaying gratification by choosing to do what we NEED to before what we WANT to do is a form of self-discipline that develops over time and helps us strengthen our character as gentlemen.
It all begins with humility.
Be Kind to Others
A true gentleman understands that a part of gaining influence is allowing others to feel comfortable around him.
Human beings seek comfort in various ways, especially when trying to forge new relationships or make new friends.
When we are kind and encouraging to others and genuinely give honest compliments, their admiration for us grows.
You can be sure that the person receiving the praise will be more likely to engage and entertain you because of your generosity and good-naturedness.
After all, it feels good to be recognized for our efforts; words of affirmation uplift everyone.
Be a Seeker of Knowledge & Truth
Again, objective truth DOES exist, and it is directly tied to reality.
A true gentleman understands that he has much to learn and strives to stay curious. To grow and improve, he needs to seek knowledge, but more importantly, the "capital T" TRUTH.
A gentleman should always stay hungry and passionate for new knowledge while remaining open to learning and teachable, because everyone in our lives has the ability to teach us something (both good and bad lessons).
Gentlemen must possess the maturity to accept that knowledge while constantly striving for the truth.
Only when anchored by truth do the lessons become helpful for ourselves and those we have the ability to steward as men. Every gentleman must understand this as he navigates the arenas of life.
Second-Bucket Characteristics of a True Gentleman
Be Confident, Never Arrogant
We often hear it said, "All you need to do is be confident; confidence is everything!"
Therefore, modern gentlemen aiming to leave a positive, lasting impression should focus on good manners and strive to avoid making others uncomfortable wheneverI have always disliked this vague piece of advice because it is too generic and rarely explained in detail.
Confidence can quickly turn into arrogance if we're not careful, which is never a desirable trait.
Confidence means moving and walking with purpose and poise. It involves standing up straight without slouching, wearing clothes that flatter you, shaking hands firmly, and being able to read the room to behave appropriately and meet the moment.
Confidence is NOT about putting others down and elevating yourself.
A gentleman knows he must always show respect and do his best to avoid any faux pas or embarrassing behavior. When we become arrogant, we almost completely lose the grace we've worked hard to build and risk slipping into actions that could be considered offensive. Don't act this way!
Mind Your Manners
Etiquette pertains to how we behave in society and guides our positive (or negative) interactions with others. Manners influence how we make others feel and reflect our specific attitudes.
Proper etiquette and good manners involve treating people thoughtfully and respectfully. Being considerate counts the most at the core of everything (but never at the expense of honesty).
Throughout our daily lives, we need to stay alert for chances to make a good impression and recognize when we slip up.
Opening the door for others (especially women), arriving on time, saying "please" and "thank you," and being considerate of others' thoughts and feelings all matter.
Like it or not, how we behave every day reveals a lot about who we are. Therefore, modern gentlemen aiming to leave a positive, lasting impression should focus on good manners and strive to avoid making others uncomfortable whenever; it definitely isn't about wearing baseball hats tilted to one possible.
We should focus on being friendly, especially during short interactions. Showing consideration for those around us, even if only for a moment, is a key trait of any modern gentleman.
Dress Well & Wear Clothes That Fit You
Clothes don't always define the man, but what we wear sends a message about us to others.
A key part of being a gentleman is taking pride in your appearance (just not too much pride). What you wear plays a huge role in that. A gentleman understands that everyone he interacts with will notice the first impression he makes.
Love it or hate it, that's the world we live in.
Dressing well isn't just about looking stylish; it definitely isn't about wearing baseball hats tilted to one side.
A gentleman understands the importance of owning clothes that fit him well and adheres to appropriate dress codes; this means wearing formal wear at formal venues and business casual clothes at events that warrant such a dress code.
A gentleman always strives to look appropriately dressed; he simply dresses well for every occasion.
I'm not suggesting you need to spend all your money on flashy clothing (far from it). I'll be the first to say that all men starting out as adults should focus on having a simple wardrobe and steer clear of fashion trends that won't last.
A gentleman makes the most of what he has and invests in timeless classics, such as quality, neutral-colored basics that can be mixed and matched with other garments to create a classic and highly versatile wardrobe.
Eliminate flashy clothing and prioritize brilliance in the basics; invest in clothes that will remain stylish for decades to come.
Dressing well shouldn't define you, but it should be a significant part of defining your image in the workplace and among your peers.
Maintain Composure
A gentleman should rarely ever lose control of himself.
I get it; sometimes, it happens, and we lose our composure. But making a habit of this is the antithesis of gentlemanly behavior.
Being a gentleman means first being a man, and men don't lose their composure easily. Men take control of situations and make things better, not worse.
Pretenders of men are those who lose their composure, become overly demanding in calm situations, and act in an offensive manner.
Men do not abandon their God-given responsibility to lead well by losing their resolve; only cowards do.
A gentleman is a man who must show grace under fire, not be a coward or a punk. He makes a point to learn from his mistakes and seeks forgiveness when he is wrong, demanding no respect from others but earning it through grace and perseverance.
Leadership carries a heavy responsibility, and it is, by extension, the burden of all men to lead well.
Give Others Your Attention
Have some respect, put the phone down, and care more about meaningful interactions with others and less about what's on social media.
Make eye contact and give others your full attention. This isn't just important for making friends but also for keeping them.
Most people don't realize they get easily distracted, but we need self-awareness and must regularly check our behaviors toward others. Doing so shows maturity and, therefore, is a mark of a true gentleman.
Listen More Than You Speak
Admittedly, I struggle with this.
Anyone who knows me can tell you that I love to talk (probably why blogging and YouTube are enticing career options), but our social skills are important too.
The truth is that people learn more by listening than by talking. One of the quickest ways to make good friends is to genuinely take an interest in others' lives.
Nobody cares about what YOU want as much as they care about what THEY want.
If you're trying to build influence over others, you need to start by genuinely showing interest in what they care about. In other words, what interests them should fascinate you.
A gentleman understands the importance of forming strong connections with others and remains disciplined, ensuring he doesn't dominate conversations too frequently.
What Are You Looking For?
If you've made it to the end of this article, thank you.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, you likely ended up here because you were genuinely seeking guidance or at least curious about what different people on the internet have to say about "how to be a gentleman."
No matter what you're searching for, you ARE definitely searching for something. That simple fact shouldn't be overlooked or underestimated.
Whether it's media, entertainment, consumerism, drugs, alcohol, fitness, athletics, spirituality, money, or simply self-improvement, that hole still needs filling.
And yet... none of what I just mentioned is enough to fill the hole. None of it at all.
Here's a HOT TAKE, are you ready for it?
Is that a stretch to say?
I don't think so...
We are all caught up in the endless struggle of becoming "enough." But the tragic and sobering reality is that the path to inner peace on a deeply "soul level" depends on realizing that none of us is truly enough.
When Jesus willingly gave His life as a ransom for the broken world we all belong to, He established a meaning so profound that it could bear the weight of mankind's sin and suffering.
In doing so, He invites us into the folds of His Trinitarian love so that those who believe in God's goodness and Jesus' sacrifice will not perish but have everlasting life.
