I can't imagine what led you here.
Maybe you're simply interested in what I or anyone else has to say about this specific topic.
Or perhaps you are genuinely seeking an answer that makes sense or resonates with you.
Regardless of anyone's reasons for trying to understand this, there is no denying that we face an issue in today's world with men not stepping up and "being men."
For nearly two decades, I have sought a formula for manhood.
Many of us men often "dance" around some of the key qualities associated with manhood, but in today's complicated world, it is hard to tell what is true and what isn't.
I believe I have found a pretty good list of qualities that make a great man, but YOU (as the reader) will ultimately decide for yourself whether to believe it or not.
My goal here is not to share my personal opinions based on anecdotal experience or my own "gut" feelings. Instead, I want to discuss what God says about being a man in His economy because, in my view, His way is the best way.
Paradise Lost: Lessons In Genesis
In the first book of the Old Testament, Genesis, God creates the world as well as the first man, whom we know as Adam.
When God created Adam, His great hope was to partner with him to rule over the good world He had made.
But God looked down on Adam and quickly realized that the first man was lonely. Recognizing that it wasn't good for "man to be alone," God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, took one of his ribs, and used it to create a helper suitable for him.
Thus, Eve, the first woman, was created, and God presented her to Adam to be his wife.
Now, before God gave Adam a wife, He gave him a job: to "work and to keep" the Garden of Eden.
Those responsibilities inevitably extend to Adam's wife, Eve; that is, he must "cultivate and guard" her.
However, a great deceiver, in the form of a crafty serpent, infiltrates the garden and home of the man and woman, and begins to chip away at Eve's trust in God.
Adam is nowhere to be found, and suddenly, Eve is doing the one thing that God commanded them NOT to do.
When God first gave this command, Eve had not yet been created. However, when the serpent begins to twist the truth of God's command, it quickly becomes clear that Eve knows the single rule in the Garden because she states as much.
Adam is not by his wife's side, so he cannot intervene or chase the serpent away. Instead, when Eve brings the fruit to Adam and offers it to him, he eats it without hesitation.
What follows is a tragic series of events in which sin enters the world because of the disobedience displayed by both Adam and Eve.
But the details here are definitely worth examining because they lay the groundwork for the honest, real, and genuine art of biblical manhood.
Present Day
More men are lost now than ever before. Our society has gradually tried to emasculate men and has blamed many of the world's problems throughout human history on masculinity.
The truth is that toxic masculinity is NOT the problem itself, but rather a consequence of the real issue that many harmful and overbearing men encounter today.
You'll quickly see that after a brief internet search, toxic masculinity starts to sound like an umbrella term that can be used against men, depending on their worldviews.
Like many things in life, some of it is true...
And some of it is not...
Toxic masculinity requires careful contextualization, and unfortunately, there are so-called "medical professionals" who will tell you that toxic masculinity was born from "traditional" masculinity, which supposedly (up until around the 1980s) became incompatible with contemporary societies.
Stating as much has caused the alleged "experts" to redefine what masculinity and being a man are altogether.
I'm NOT attempting to ignore the atrocities of countless powerful men throughout our world's history, not one bit. But their problems were not the "old" masculinity that has seemingly been replaced with the "new."
In other words, the issues of overbearing, domineering, and destructive virility displayed by men throughout history are linked to the SAME problems men face today that can also lead to toxic behaviors.
And that is that it is NOT an issue of masculinity in men, but rather, an issue of the hearts of men.
But then, this raises the question:
You see, there's the rub...
Many people believe there's no such thing as objective truth, so a man can be whatever we say he is.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that there is a capital "T" truth that helps maintain our order in life and that this objective truth is very closely tied to reality.
I'll take it a step further and say that the Holy Bible is not only the SOURCE of objective truth but also the complete story of mankind's rise, fall, and redemption.
Everything I say and share about true manhood from here on out will come directly from God's Word.
Believe it or not, there IS a way to be a real man. It isn't about dressing well, having advanced degrees, maintaining a high social status, being strong or athletic, being devilishly handsome, making money, or having numerous women.
Being a REAL man is about so much more than all of that.
The Man Who Hurts
The truth is that many men at different stages of life are hurting.
I can think of two men who came to me in the last year after hitting particularly low points in their lives.
Everyone hurts now and again, but the men who (themselves hurt) wind up hurting others and spreading that pain onward, often to the next generation, whether it's their own children or people in their communities.
You see, many men are lost, hurting, lacking confidence, in need of someone to follow, and desperate for wisdom and compassion.
When we men are directionless, we will follow nearly anyone who can communicate some semblance of a vision to us.
It's no surprise that many men turn to the internet's various online communities or the nearest self-improvement book, looking for someone to teach them "how to be a man" — and a successful, good-looking one at that.
To be a man in God's economy is so much more than quiet confidence, personal growth, or basic self-awareness.
As we will soon see, biblical manhood emphasizes developing good character, making sacrifices, investing in relationships, leading effectively in the home and in communities, and loving others as Jesus does.
To be a man is to endeavor to provide well, lead effectively, mentor wisely, defend and protect diligently, and be the generous friend that so many others need.
A man who succeeds by doing all these things will grow to be a peaceful presence in people's lives. As Saint Saraphim of Sarov said nearly three hundred years ago:
For us men, it is indeed true.
But a man who, himself, hurts, winds up spreading MORE hurt and subjects others to it. In my opinion, society doesn't need any more of that.
Many of the world's problems exist because men have spiraled out of control, allowing their hearts to harden beyond measure. Instead of becoming purveyors of peace, they become harbingers of chaos.
Fatherlessness and a lack of genuine leadership among men fuel many of our most pressing social issues, the consequences of which are of the furthest-reaching variety.
What follows are four distinct attributes that real men share, as well as what God's Word says a man should strive to become.
If we all embodied these principles, not only would we become the best men we can be, but we would also resolve nearly all of society's current issues.
So first things first...
A Man Is a Leader
I've met many men who aren't interested in leading. Some just want to follow, and others simply don't care at all.
What I'm about to say isn't popular these days, but it needs to be said and understood by all men AND women.
As men, we don't choose to be leaders; we're either good leaders or bad ones. We're born into this role and encouraged to develop into it.
Men ultimately fail in life because they either refuse to accept their role or they embrace and idolize it to the point where they become tyrannical. This is the main reason why so many of our social issues are so widespread.
Achieving balance is difficult...
No, not every man is born to lead a country, army, business, or even an organized team, per se, but the day that God breathed life into the first man's lungs was when He gave him a solemn commission, one that extends to every man who has walked this earth ever since.
In the case of fathers and father-figures, men are MADE in the home, and it takes a man to raise a man.
To fail in the home and within the community is to fail everywhere, period.
As you read this, you might think of the many incredible women who raised their sons as single parents.
However, look closely at the men with these backgrounds who became exceptional leaders and broke the cycle of fatherlessness in their homes and communities. You will soon see that it was because they had a strong male father figure in their lives (perhaps even multiple figures over time) to help guide them.
This isn't to say that mothers and women can't help lead and raise boys to become men, far from it. The roles they fulfill are undeniably important, but men and women are equal in worth and different in function.
I've seen many men who never married and never had children of their own, yet they guided and mentored young boys and men in their communities, fulfilling their God-given calling to do so.
As the saying goes, "So go the men, so go the church." You can definitely add homes and the larger community to that list as well.
Not every man is meant to be a biological father, but every man is CALLED to be a paternal figure to someone.
Never a Tyrant
When there is a job to do, a man steps in and does it, and he leads with love every step of the way.
A man does not lead by sitting on his "throne" and demanding things from those closest to him. Instead, a man leads effectively by keeping a "vigilant watch" in his life, making sure the people under his care can prosper and grow.
Never an Abdicator
A man recognizes the need to take charge and finds the strength within himself never to abdicate his God-given responsibility. Many issues today are caused by men who become abdicators.
Most men believe that their sole role in the home is to provide. To earn a paycheck and give their children a comfortable life.
Most men leave it there, but it's never enough. I'm here to tell you that while this is the fundamental function of a man, more is required of him.
To be a provider in the home means a man must also provide for the emotional, spiritual, and psychological well-being of his spouse and children. If something is wrong, he must take the initiative and formulate solutions.
The same can be said for an unmarried man with no children, who is a contributing member of his community.
The man who provides monetarily to his children but remains absent at ball games or during family meals is a man who misses the critical opportunities to instruct, lead, and be intimate with his family.
Because the same thing happened to them when they were growing up, real men try to break the cycle of pain and learn to seek and accept the undeniable truth... and that is, once again, that to fail in the home and in the community is to fail everywhere.
A Man Is a Warrior
Whenever I talk to other men (especially Christian men) about the need to be a warrior in their homes and communities, I usually get a lukewarm or hesitant response.
So, I believe it's important to clarify what I mean.
Always a Protector
Men fight for what is right.
Men fight for the ones they love.
Men fight for the truth.
Every man has a warrior spirit burning in his heart.
A true man understands that our world is both amazing and terrible; after all, it exists between heaven and hell.
Having traveled the world with the U.S. military and deployed many times, I can honestly say that most of the outside world is full of evil, oppression, and violence.
Men need to be ready to accept this fact.
When something goes bump in the night, what will you do?
Are you prepared to defend your family or neighbors from potential threats? I've met many men who tell me that they have "never had an issue before" and "don't see the point" in knowing how to handle a weapon or receive specialized training for hand-to-hand combat.
In many cases, depending on where someone lives, you probably won't face many issues, but learning to handle yourself isn't just about YOU and your current situation; it's also about gaining knowledge and skills to pass down to your family for generations, so that a strong culture of readiness with an emphasis on protector instincts is maintained and promoted.
Just because YOU don't need to know how to handle yourself or what to do in escalatory situations doesn't mean that your son or daughter or the people under your care and leadership won't have to deal with them someday.
Think big and think long-term.
This means everyone must stay prepared.
We need strong men who lead well and leverage their warrior spirit in constructive and honorable ways, never using their God-given strength or ability for abuse or turmoil.
Never a Bully
Outside of the military and law enforcement, many people associate aggression with activities like combat sports or marksmanship training.
I'm not about to sit here and say that men (and women) who enjoy these activities are all saints, but I will NEVER subscribe to the notion that possessing and practicing these kinds of skills makes someone more aggressive.
It's simply not true, and frankly, every man should know how to handle himself both with a weapon and with his bare hands.
But he should do so wisely and deliberately.
Preying upon the weak and defenseless is not the mark of a true warrior; it is the mark of a coward. Sad excuses for men are those whose warrior spirit is so poorly calibrated that it has enabled them to engage in vile and abusive behaviors.
CHILDREN lash out and struggle to keep their hands to themselves when they don't get their way.
MEN remain steadfast and are judicious with how they administer their hands.
In my experience, no other example is better than the grappling martial art known as Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ).
I've been training pretty regularly in BJJ for a while now, and it has taught me how to think quickly, react even faster, close the distance between myself and an attacker, leverage my body as well as theirs to take them down and subdue them, all while staying completely in control of both myself and them, without throwing a single punch.
Sound scary? Well, it definitely should be.
Those skills are important, but they should be used wisely. Just like any firearm, pocketknife, or kitchen scissors, anything can be used as a weapon. However, the true power lies in the mind and heart of the person wielding it, not in the weapon itself.
Being a true man means knowing when to fight, whether through words or deeds, as he steps into action to deliver swift justice for the defenseless, NEVER for personal gain or a twisted sense of power.
Never Harmless
I think that this goes without saying, but it is worth emphasizing that a man cannot be harmless, or in other words, he shouldn't be incapable of violence.
If you are incapable of being violent, then you're harmless, and if you're harmless, then you're just weak.
And that is of no benefit to anyone.
I know that some of you reading this might describe yourselves as pacifists and believe that complete and total non-violence is the best way, and I absolutely agree with you.
But unfortunately, that isn't the world we live. The command that "thou shalt not kill," which, when translated from the original Hebrew term "ratsach," more accurately means "to murder" or "to slay," assumes that a person has NOT yet committed murder.
Once people DO engage in premeditative murder, though, there must be a fair and just way to handle it, much like how the "hardness of people's hearts" causes them to desire divorce from their spouse despite the fact that God hates it.
For instance, even though Jesus upheld a strict sexual ethic, he permitted divorce in keeping with the established Mosaic law under the condition of "porneia" (sexual immorality).
Anyone who desires to read and understand the ancient and holy scriptures found within the Bible cannot deny that violence and aggression grieve God's heart, so much so that in Genesis chapter 6, He regrets even making humans because of the evil that they inflict upon each other as image bearers of their Creator.
Jesus, himself, was not above violent acts; in fact, He knew that premeditated acts of righteous violence were necessary to teach valuable lessons.
Cue the Gospel according to the disciple John. In chapter 2, Jesus fashions a whip of cords and storms into the prayer Temple of Jerusalem, cracking his whip, overturning tables, and emptying coin purses.
With all that said...
Just Mercy
The warrior in a man knows when to fight and when to sheath his sword. A little mercy can go a long way these days, and the mark of a true warrior in a man is knowing when to put down his fists and show tenderness.
A Dangerous Follower of Jesus
Erwin McManus, a prolific pastor, author, and speaker, shares a heartfelt story about sending his son Aaron off to summer camp.
The warrior within a man understands the need to be a bold follower of Jesus. When the warrior prays, it is not for safety but for courage in a world that is increasingly UNSAFE.
God is more likely to answer the prayers we pray for courage when we face danger than the ones we pray as we run away from it. Not foolish danger, but the kind of holy boldness that isn’t afraid to embrace everything God has for us.
As a tender warrior, don’t pray for safety because it’s not often a prayer God is likely to answer. Pray instead to be more dangerous than your enemy.
In the answer to that prayer, we can find the solution to our deep longing for a life that truly matters.
A Man Is a Mentor
Maintains the Heart of a Teacher
Men use the same "muscles and mechanics" to teach, coach, and mentor others in their communities, the workplace, or at home, just as they often fulfill the roles of father figures.
I learned this well during my last deployment.
The youngest junior officer onboard my ship worked tirelessly to achieve his qualifications to become a Surface Warfare Officer (SWO) and earn his warfare pin. A large part of this was gaining the trust and confidence of the Captain so that she would trust him to pilot and navigate the ship on his own.
During those six months of deployment, that young man clung to me in unforgettable ways, reminding me of how essential it is for men to be good teachers.
Never a "Know-It-All"
To be a man means having the heart of a teacher and adding value to people. A good teacher understands the difference between SENDING people up and BRINGING them up in the world.
To "send" someone up in any instruction means to give vague directions and unclear language while trying to guide their actions.
To "bring" someone up in any instruction means to lead by example, which is exactly what a man should do as a mentor to others.
We must be kind, willing, and patient in taking others by the hand and embarking on a learning journey with them.
A pretender of a man makes weak excuses such as "I suffered, so you have to." Or worse, they might even claim that they "don't care" and "shouldn't" because they have already "arrived" in life for themselves.
This is no behavior for a genuine man; it is the behavior of a lazy charlatan. Faithful men take teaching seriously. They see the big picture.
Success and progress are better maintained when men take the necessary actions to develop and mentor those who will eventually replace them.
The Teacher at Work
As men, we are created with the capacity to teach, enabling us to become good fathers or father figures.
I understand that not every man wants to become a father eventually, and I definitely won't compel you to want that.
However, know that real men are teachers at heart; we will eventually find ourselves in a position to influence someone. Just as a man can raise children, he can also mentor those under him in specific skills or areas of life.
We might try to deny this truth, but doing so rejects what it truly means to be a man.
A Man Is a Friend
Always Connection
What we make the most in this world is connection.
Forming strong bonds with others is part of what it means to be both a human and a man in the purest sense.
If there is to be one of these four attributes that ought to be most important, then it is this one: a man is a FRIEND, first and foremost.
If the leader, warrior, and mentor in a man are solely focused on providing, protecting, and teaching without connection, then it is no good.
Many young men have become troubled and lost, causing pain and struggling to form meaningful connections with others.
Because they lacked a friend who could provide for their physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs.
They lacked a friend to protect them when it mattered most.
They lacked a friend to teach them, often between right and wrong, so the cycle of pain could one day cease.
A Friendly Leader
The friend in a man connects with his son when he struggles to get in touch with his manhood, just as he connects with his daughter as she navigates the tumultuous world of adolescence.
The friend in a man is there to listen and provide direction with a tender heart.
A Friendly Warrior
The friend in a man is there to spring into action when injustice occurs. With the heart of a lion, he is quick to defend his friends and family when action is needed... and when calm is required, the man knows when to lower his fists and show mercy when it's necessary.
A Friendly Mentor
The friend in a man is there to guide the young mariner as he learns to navigate the ship and earn the trust of the Captain.
While every other would-be teacher is standing silent, reluctant to provide encouragement and praise when necessary, the man who connects with his pupil and demonstrates the heart of a teacher is a friend in the moments that count the most for the team and in life.
Become a Man of God by Following Jesus
Many strong men come to mind when thinking about the numerous books of the Bible.
Moses, the great shepherd of a downtrodden people who were once enslaved.
Joshua, the next leader after Moses and a great military leader, was chosen to finally lead his people into the land God promised them.
And of course, the great King David, the warrior poet who was literally described as the "man after God's own heart," who conquered the tyrant Goliath as a young boy and led a nation of people through trial after trial.
All of these men were great leaders and admirable individuals, but they were also flawed, capable of truly terrible and shameful acts. As impressive as they are to learn from and follow, there is only one man in all of human history who was perfect, blameless, pious, and without sin.
He was not just a man after God's own heart, but God in the flesh, which makes him worthy of following and deserving of all the glory on earth and in heaven. So worthy, in fact, that powerful angels from above cannot help but bow and marvel in his presence.
Being a man means recognizing that God has given us great power and purpose to do good in this world— connecting with others, providing for them, protecting them, and teaching them well.
To enable life to flourish and thrive, but only by following Jesus Christ as our ultimate model for living well and faithfully to the King of the Cosmos.
It's time to break the cycle, men, and reconnect with our inner leader, warrior, mentor, and friend.
Let's become the men we know ourselves to be and work hard to fulfill our duty until the day our lives, like dust, return to the earth as it was, and our spirits return to God who gave them to us.
